The Saturday Evening Blog

Best Places to Live: SEB Edition

Ryan — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 23:39:49 +0000

Nowhere in our great land is there truly paradise. But these places are pretty. These places have been deemed by the Blog to be truly remarkable in their quaility of livin’ and location: America.

Jasper, Alabama

With a name like that, it has to be Ol’ Timey

Jasper, Texas

Kinda the same, but bigger

Jasper, Georgia

Good Ol’ Southern Cookin Jasper

Pretty Much every Jasper in America except for the ones in New York, Oregon, Minnesota, and maybe Ohio if they vote for Barack Hussein Obama.

CORRECTION: The above picture was believed to be somewhere is the USA, but it is in fact a picture of Jasper, Alberta. All the other Jaspers looked pretty bad.

BREAKING: John McCain Masters the Speak n’ Spell

Ryan — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:47:33 +0000

In what is certain to be a giant leap in his computer literacy, John McCain has successfully mastered the Speak n’ Spell interface circa 1978. McCain entered the words ‘boot’, ‘president’, and ‘hot dog’ successfully and were subsequently sprached back at him to his wild enjoyment. The Blog has decided to keep track of future-President McCain’s progress in technology with it’s new feature “One Giant Leap for Him: The Quest to Block a Pop-Up.” Stay tuned.

How to Get Out of Iraq while Staying In

Ryan — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:40:13 +0000

McCain’s Campaign Agenda with Human Skin Binding (Conceptual)

Senator Barack Hussein Obama today laid out his surrender to Iraq plan today. According to the recent New Yorker cover, our worst fears have come into fruition. With now documented, and illustrated, proof of Obama’s sorrid life finally coming to light, how will President McCain get us out of Iraq while not really leaving? His campaign said they’ll get back to us on that because they have this big book where they keep his plan. We here believe it’s an ol’ timey tome past down through generations of republicans since the waning days of the second millenium. That and it’s made of human skin.

Sorry we were Away, Someone had an Accident

Ryan — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:07:19 +0000

We moved into our new offices downtown and a staff member had to go and throw his back out. Since we don’t believe in health insurance here at the Blog, said staff member had to go and sue us for workman’s comp. Back when, workman’s compensation was “buck up and get back to work or get fired.” Unions came along and screwed up things, then labor laws and child labor restrictions. China wouldn’t have all our jobs if we had 8-year-olds working in coal mines for 10 cents an hour. All they want after a hard day is a juice box and a couple of Oreos. That’s doable. Saying that, the Blog is currently looking for some 8-year-olds to write for us. We’ll pay 15 cents an hour plus 5 Oreos and a Hi-C. The best part is no benefits and you cannot sue us. We learned that the hard way.

Humorous Anecdote: Cracker Barrel Gets it Wrong, But it’s Good.

Ryan — Sun, 06 Jul 2008 01:12:57 +0000

The kitsch is overblown, coke did not come in plastic mugs, but some things remain the same . I have to give them credit though: they have ol’ timey food down pat. I especially like those peg games at the table while you wait for your biscuits and gravy. I’ve been going there since I was nine and I still don’t know what the hell you’re supposed to do with it.

The Problem with Folks Making More Folks and How to Solve It.

Ryan — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 22:24:11 +0000

In 1960, the world population was around 3 billion. Today, it’s around 6.5 billion. By using advanced ‘rithmitic, the world population has more than tripled in less than 50 years. Sprawl is gobbling up precious land and countries like China and India need resources like Oil, something that Americas needs as well and deserves it more than they do. In fact, as far as we know, China is already in ANWR drilling our oil right under our noses. By 2050, there will be 9 billion people, most of whom will be living in under-developed or developing countries whose insatiable thirst for all things natural and resourceful will diminish American power. The Blog now wishes to analyze numerous ways to solve this problem: from ol’ timey solutions to new-fangled ones.

Option #1: More War

This is what we do best, but we’re hurtin’ from the necessary wars of Iraq, Afghanistan, and soon to be invaded Iran. Plus, war has a horrible cost/benefit ratio no matter how you slice it. If our goal is to reduce world population to a manageable 3 billion, we need to theoretically enlist 9 billion people to do the job based on the 3:1 offense/defense ratio. Given that this will cost around 100 million dollars to implement (cost subject to change) this may not be the best option.

Option #2: Getting Gay (See video at right)

Those South Park boys had a point: maybe we should just go queer. Back when, there were gay folk around, but they kept it to themselves or just performed in frilly musicals so you knew they were gay, but didn’t care because you were throughly entertained. Obviously making everyone gay is a logistical nightmare because being forced to be gay under duress isn’t like the usual way of choosing to be gay. Finally, like option #1, it’s a logistical nightmare, with the costs of appletinis, prophylactics, and glitter to be in area of 100 million dollars (cost subject to change). While tempting to those that are still in the closet (South Park reference once again, I record it religiously on my VCR, thank you very much) it just ain’t happnin’.

Option #3: Bring back Smallpox

The last and frankly best option of the bunch, this disease has got it all. Only present in humans, so no collateral damage. Communicable through airborne infection, so no gay stuff. Plus, given a certain strain, up to 90 percent lethality. Now that’s some disease. Problem is, Liberals eradicated smallpox from nature in 1979, so we have to make more of it. Luckily, theres still some left in Atlanta in the same place where they keep the Coke formula. Cost isn’t a problem: those Iraqis were trying to make some in the back of a VW bus for around 20 bucks. Plus, this stuff spreads like wildfire. Only thing now is to think how the heck can we get this stuff all over the world. Answer: blankets from Target.

Back when, settlers of this great nation gave blankets laced with smallpox to the native people as gifts. Little did they know, there was smallpox on them and, wouldn’t you know it, the Native American gone done died on us. Lets class it up this time around by getting a nice bamboo blankets from Target. The cost for all of them would be around 100 million dollars (firm, less if on sale) plus free shipping. We’ll send them all around with notes sayin’ “Hey, sorry about all the wars and killing and stuff. Let’s be friends.” Then before you know it, they’ll be dead, only this time we were gunning for that to happen. Turns out in the 20th century, smallpox killed 300 million people when the population was less than 3 billion people. Think of the possibilities! Not only will we solve overpopulation, but also lowering greenhouse gases, preserving precious resources and countless species from extinction, and no more long lines at the DMV! That was a joke, but you the get the idea.

Global Warming? It’s 66 outside.

Ryan — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 21:58:12 +0000

Sure it was 90 yesterday at our writing post, but that’s average summer weather. With shorts on your freezing in this kind of arctic climate today. Reactionaries are crying out that we’ll be buying beach front property in Wyoming while we might have to wear a light jacket outside tonight because it will be frigid. The only place that is getting warmer is the Arctic and only by a few degrees. But will those few degrees lead to a total meltdown? Hardly. Going from -50 to -47 is still freezing. Plus, that o-zone hole in Antarctica is only seasonal, opening up in the spring and then narrowing for the winter. After watching the penguins movie, it’s comforting to know that those penguins get some nice days out there. It can get down to -125 degrees in the winter. So if you think thats the way it should be all year round then you have no compassion for the penguins. Melting glacial water during the summer creates lazy rivers to the sea, cutting down on walking substantially, which is great because penguins have stubby feet. We here at the Blog prefer cold weather anyway, so if it means summers of -125 degree weather…bring it on.

What John McCain Learned at the Hanoi Hilton

Ryan — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 00:58:44 +0000

He isn’t…as far as we know…

Former NATO commander Wesley Hussein Clark (Pictured, quite gay in the ol’ timey meaning) questioned John McCain’s experience when he said that having your plane shot down doesn’t make you qualified to be president. Ever since, he has been denounced in many circles including this one. In this election, McCain’s experience of being shot down and held as POW is more relevant than it has ever been in his political career.

In an such a hostile political environment for the Republican Party, their candidate has to withstand a lot of flak. Not only has McCain withstood flak, he still has some of that flak in him. Moreover, he has been through a nose dive just as bad as the coming election that he might just win come November. And if he does, he can withstand the torture of a democratic congress. He likes torture, he likes it so much he stayed a POW even when given the chance to leave. In fact, he believes in torture so much he supports the United States to use it on our enemies, to which the Blog agrees with him because it builds character.

So General Clark should watch his back. President McCain may shove a bamboo shoot up his ass if he ain’t looking.

Teenage Sex Down. Reason? Jesus and Being Scared Shitless.

Ryan — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 17:17:27 +0000

Teen sex has stuck a dagger into the heart of America and is spreading its adolescent ooze like rampant. But America is fight back against this fornicating menace. Teen sex in America is at its lowest levels in nearly 20 years according to a new CDC study. There is no doubt that abstinence education has taught teenagers to accept Jesus and wait until marriage. That and pictures like this.

Syphilis/The Syph/The Hitler

Sex before marriage is well-known to cause a variety of venereal diseases (STD is a politically correct, new timey term to place the blame on the act of sex and not the pleasure of sex). Scaring teens into thinking that cottage cheese will come out of their genitalia after sex has done wonders towards lowering teen sex. Of course, oral and anal sex is on the rise, but as long as an abortion is not involved teen boys can stick it anywhere they please.

Statistics

Ryan — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 20:10:49 +0000

5: The number of times John McCain challenged Barack Hussein Obama’s patriotism

2: The number times McCain went to the bathroom while challenging Barack Hussein Obama’s patriotism

503: The number of gold medals China expects to win in the upcoming Olympic Games.

132: The greatest number of gold medals a country can actually win.

186 Billion: The amount of much-needed war funding President Bush signed into law today.

17,000: The average amount of tuition it costs to attend a state University. Veterans of the current wars take a free-ride on Jim Webb’s unpatriotic G.I. Bill that was stuck into the war funding bill.

8: The number of views the Blog has had.

804,209: The average daily views of DailyKos. Come on, people.