In 1960, the world population was around 3 billion. Today, it’s around 6.5 billion. By using advanced ‘rithmitic, the world population has more than tripled in less than 50 years. Sprawl is gobbling up precious land and countries like China and India need resources like Oil, something that Americas needs as well and deserves it more than they do. In fact, as far as we know, China is already in ANWR drilling our oil right under our noses. By 2050, there will be 9 billion people, most of whom will be living in under-developed or developing countries whose insatiable thirst for all things natural and resourceful will diminish American power. The Blog now wishes to analyze numerous ways to solve this problem: from ol’ timey solutions to new-fangled ones.

Option #1: More War

This is what we do best, but we’re hurtin’ from the necessary wars of Iraq, Afghanistan, and soon to be invaded Iran. Plus, war has a horrible cost/benefit ratio no matter how you slice it. If our goal is to reduce world population to a manageable 3 billion, we need to theoretically enlist 9 billion people to do the job based on the 3:1 offense/defense ratio. Given that this will cost around 100 million dollars to implement (cost subject to change) this may not be the best option.

Option #2: Getting Gay (See video at right)

Those South Park boys had a point: maybe we should just go queer. Back when, there were gay folk around, but they kept it to themselves or just performed in frilly musicals so you knew they were gay, but didn’t care because you were throughly entertained. Obviously making everyone gay is a logistical nightmare because being forced to be gay under duress isn’t like the usual way of choosing to be gay. Finally, like option #1, it’s a logistical nightmare, with the costs of appletinis, prophylactics, and glitter to be in area of 100 million dollars (cost subject to change).  While tempting to those that are still in the closet (South Park reference once again, I record it religiously on my VCR, thank you very much) it just ain’t happnin’.

Option #3: Bring back Smallpox

The last and frankly best option of the bunch, this disease has got it all. Only present in humans, so no collateral damage. Communicable through airborne infection, so no gay stuff. Plus, given a certain strain, up to 90 percent lethality. Now that’s some disease. Problem is, Liberals eradicated smallpox from nature in 1979, so we have to make more of it. Luckily, theres still some left in Atlanta in the same place where they keep the Coke formula. Cost isn’t a problem: those Iraqis were trying to make some in the back of a VW bus for around 20 bucks. Plus, this stuff spreads like wildfire. Only thing now is to think how the heck can we get this stuff all over the world. Answer: blankets from Target.

Back when, settlers of this great nation gave blankets laced with smallpox to the native people as gifts. Little did they know, there was smallpox on them and, wouldn’t you know it, the Native American gone done died on us. Lets class it up this time around by getting a nice bamboo blankets from Target. The cost for all of them would be around 100 million dollars (firm, less if on sale) plus free shipping. We’ll send them all around with notes sayin’ “Hey, sorry about all the wars and killing and stuff. Let’s be friends.” Then before you know it, they’ll be dead, only this time we were gunning for that to happen. Turns out in the 20th century, smallpox killed 300 million people when the population was less than 3 billion people. Think of the possibilities! Not only will we solve overpopulation, but also lowering greenhouse gases,  preserving precious resources and countless species from extinction, and no more long lines at the DMV! That was a joke, but you the get the idea.